fresh start.

Today I went out for the first time as really being "single" in the past 9 months. It was amazing to feel free but not be trapped by someone who doesn't want me to have any fun (or it seems like). It was a new type of feeling. I didn't even think about him. I just concentrated on the present and how I was dealing with it and how good I felt without being trapped. It's all just a part of the healing process. We all know that it has to happen sooner or later. I Feel as if I can finally have my life now. Start making a life for myself. Things that I like to do. Rather than thinking about things that I would like to do but also thinking about how he would feel about them. Didn't have to think about that at all. Amazing feeling actually. Although the people I was hanging out with tonight aren't the people I would ultimately like to end up like... It was fun and I had a blast... just being drunk and not having to worry about anything except myself. NICE. :] What't meant to be will always find it's way... :)

today was the day.

I never thought I would actually be able to do it without someone telling me that it needed to be done, but I did. Today I told him that I am not waiting around for him anymore just to keep being pulled along by a string. He seems to think he isn't doing anything of the sort but he definitely is. It's just a guy thing, he just doesn't want to admit it. I thought it would be a lot harder than it was. It was actually kind of uplifting. Sometimes of the day I felt very sad like I just wanted to take it back and just tell him I would wait it out. Other times I felt like I am doing this for me and it is a good thing to almost rub it in his face that I will no longer let him pull me around.

What's meant to be will always find it's way right? If that really is the case, then if we were meant to be anyway, it will happen. Maybe after letting myself finally be assertive, he will realize that I am serious and that I will not let him control how I feel about this situation. Maybe he will realize that he wasn't taking my feelings into consideration and that he wants to be with me? I guess if it's meant to be then it will find it's way right?

first post.

I have always thought that what's meant to be will always find it's way... but then at the same time I think about how things work out and how people's decisions and actions can affect what happens. If I decided not to do one thing as small as leaving my house at a different time.. that would affect the chance of maybe meeting a certain person.

Thinking has always been a thing that I do too much of. I think about every side of every situation which isn't always a good thing because it drives me to the point of insanity sometimes. But I have started thinking about the bigger picture of things and how things I do will affect me in the long run. I hope it gets me where I want to go...